the sound of one door closing

saying goodbye to Evangelical Christianity

Photo by Jan Tinneberg on Unsplash

Dear Church,

I have now walked through all the stages of a failed attempt to belong.

First, there was the initial excitement. Then, the high that comes with making many new connections at once. Then, the exhilaration of sharing deeply held beliefs and experiencing the strengthened connection that comes with daring to be vulnerable. Then began the misgivings, which I chose to ignore because I was finally part of a group again. Then, the frustration and anger of having those misgivings confirmed, again and again. Then, the desperation that comes from having to fight to belong, when I know in my gut that belonging is my birthright and never something I should have to fight for. Then, the demoralization of raising concerns over and over about the group’s internal structure, politics, and values, and not being heard. Worse than not being heard was the dehumanizing way I was steadily and consistently pushed into a place outside of any circle in which I could even have a voice within the church. With that came the exhaustion of defeat, the sting of disconnection, the nagging whispers that I wasn’t good enough to belong and never would belong in any church. And finally, the peace and wholeness of rising again, rejecting the whispers, and realizing that “fitting in” is not the same as belonging and never will be.

If I have to change who I am, or who I appear to be, in order to belong…that is fitting in.

If I have to conform to someone else’s expectations of what living life should look like in order to belong…that is fitting in.

If belonging with a certain group of people matters a great deal to me but doesn’t matter that much to them…then I am fitting in.

If my opinions, ideas, thoughts, concerns, and beliefs are only valued if I am in line with, and actively shaping myself to, the established opinions, ideas, thoughts, concerns and beliefs of the group…then I am fitting in.

If I am shamed and punished for voicing opinions, ideas, thoughts, concerns and/or beliefs that are not in line with, or actively being shaped to, those established by the group…then I am being asked to fit in.

If I find that connecting with people in a certain group requires hiding any part of myself…then I am fitting in.

If doing these things is causing me anxiety, causing me to obsess over why I am not experiencing belonging, causing my skin to feel too tight, and causing me to feel ever lonelier and disconnected while part of the group…I am sacrificing belonging in order to fit in, and it’s time to walk away.